Let Go


When I was first training as a resident Chaplain we would pull 24 hour solo shifts in a level one trauma center. For 8-12 hours during the day we would respond to consults and various emergencies. The 12 hours over night were spent in the on call room and we primarily responded to life threatening trauma and death.

My first Saturday shift I arrived fresh at 0800, eagerly grabbed the stack of consults from the printer, and began scampering about the eight story building. Up and down the stairs I went, room to room, visiting patients and listening to their stories.

By 1100 I had made it through the stack and returned to the office only to find a fresh stack lying in wait upon the printer. Determined, I snatched it up and went right back out. I worked right through lunch, proud of my diligence and work ethic. Sometime in the midafternoon I returned once again only to find another stack. This time, I sat down to pause and during my rest I heard the printer kick on. I walked over to the machine, lifted the warm page to read the assignment, and as I did, another emerged. and then another.

This was the first time that I truly understood that people are going to keep getting sick. People are going to keep dying. And there is not a damn thing any of us can do about it. I knew this in my head, of course. But this was the moment that it was internalized. I sat back down feeling so incredibly small and so utterly insignificant that I wasn’t sure what to do next.

I realized that at the end of my shift when I clocked out there would still be a stack. The stack would be full of consults for hurting people. People who were dying, people who might feel hopeless, people who needed love. And I was going to leave it there. I made a decision that afternoon. I decided to make peace with the world and with myself. I decided that I was going to release that which was never mine: control.

It is when the world feels out of control that we sometimes seek to control it the most. If we don’t let go, it will rip us apart. I’ve seen it with doctors and nurses, executives and administrators, police officers and firefighters, pastors and parents, soldiers and civilians. None of us can stop this world from turning.

Caregivers, I implore you: do not martyr yourself upon this alter. Let us not normalize exhaustion and celebrate poor boundaries. Let us not create cultures that dishonor our souls.

Clock out. Leave the stack there. Go for a run and then go home to love your family. Come back tomorrow.

Decision Makers: you have an ethical responsibility to the team you support. Do not ask them to sacrifice themselves, because they will. Staff them fairly. Train and equip them appropriately. Provide for them justly. The stakes are too high for anything less.



Author: tomarbaugh

My mission is to courageously live an authentic life that influences other individuals to be their best selves.

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